Diary

March 14
     Today I got a stain on my shirt because I spilled my milkshake on it. See, I was trying to get this girlsí attention by standing on my table at the McDonalds and yelling "Hey, nice tits!" when I fell off. After all, today is Valentineís Day, and I needed something to love. Of course the girl behind the counter thought I was talking to her, so she called the cops. So the cops came and they hassled me for a while. But I finally convinced them I wasnít talking to the girl behind the counter, so they let me go.
     Then my bag of cocaine fell out of my pocket. I told the cops it was sugar for my mom, but they wanted to taste it to make sure. So they tasted it, and then they tasted some more, and then they tasted it some more. Finally, when there was about half left, the cops were finally convinced, and they let me go. Again. Anyway, thatís enough for today. Iíll write more tomorrow.

March 18
     Today I woke up and smoked some pot. Then after that I built a time machine in my closet. I went back to when JFK got assassinated. Lee Harvey Oswaldís a wimp. At first he wasnít going to shoot JFK, so I had to dare him. So he shot JFK and I went to the future. The strange thing is everyone looked like fish, and they drove around in flying fish bowls. So I went up to this guy that looked like a trout and asked if they went fishing for humans, but he wouldnít tell me anything, so I kicked him in the fins and stole his wallet. Then I went back home.

April 22
     This morning I went back to the drive-in to pick up my car. Overnight it had been vandalized. Someone had spraypainted "Dorkmobile" on the side. Oh well. Itís an old car.
     After that I went to the gym to pump some iron. I found a parking space and people laughed at my car. I was waiting for this guy to finish cause I wanted to benchpress after him. He almost lifted 125 pounds, but then he dropped it onto his chest. It was real funny. His face turned red and got all sweaty. He yelled at me to help him. Of course, I couldnít lift 125 pounds, so I rolled it off him.
     Heís in the hospital now, and I hear heís okay. Doctors said all his ribs are broken, and his pelvis is cracked. I think heís impotent too. Anyway, after lifting weights, I went to jump rope. I picked up this jump rope that was lying on the floor and this big muscular guy snapped at me. Said it was his. I said I didnít see his name on it. He replied, "Listen you little pussy, I donít give a fuck if my nameís not on it. Itís still mine." I said, "You should stop using steroids. Itís bad for you." He replied, "Fuck you, you little girly man." I said, "I hear guys with big muscles have small dicks. Is that true?" He replied, "What was that? I couldnít hear you." So I repeated it, louder, so everyone heard. The police later said five guys had beaten me up. Apparently the guys had continued to beat me after I lost conciousness. The doctor said he extracted a 5-pound weight from my anus. No wonder I have to shit through a tube now. Oh well, itís been a long day. I have to go use my tube now.



Back