March 14
Today I got a stain on my shirt because I spilled my milkshake on it. See, I was trying to get
this girls’ attention by standing on my table at the McDonalds and yelling "Hey, nice tits!" when I fell off.
After all, today is Valentine’s Day, and I needed something to love. Of course the girl behind the counter
thought I was talking to her, so she called the cops. So the cops came and they hassled me for a while.
But I finally convinced them I wasn’t talking to the girl behind the counter, so they let me go.
Then my bag of cocaine fell out of my pocket. I told the cops it was sugar for my mom, but they wanted to taste it
to make sure. So they tasted it, and then they tasted some more, and then they tasted it some more.
Finally, when there was about half left, the cops were finally convinced, and they let me go. Again.
Anyway, that’s enough for today. I’ll write more tomorrow.
March 18
Today I woke up and smoked some pot. Then after that I built a time machine in my
closet. I went back to when JFK got assassinated. Lee Harvey Oswald’s a wimp. At first he wasn’t going
to shoot JFK, so I had to dare him. So he shot JFK and I went to the future. The strange thing is
everyone looked like fish, and they drove around in flying fish bowls. So I went up to this guy that looked
like a trout and asked if they went fishing for humans, but he wouldn’t tell me anything, so I kicked him in the fins and stole his wallet. Then I went
back home.
April 22
This morning I went back to the drive-in to pick up my car. Overnight it had been vandalized.
Someone had spraypainted "Dorkmobile" on the side. Oh well. It’s an old car.
After that I went to the gym to pump some iron. I found a parking space and people laughed at my car. I was waiting for this
guy to finish cause I wanted to benchpress after him. He almost lifted 125 pounds, but then he dropped it
onto his chest. It was real funny. His face turned red and got all sweaty. He yelled at me to help him. Of
course, I couldn’t lift 125 pounds, so I rolled it off him.
He’s in the hospital now, and I hear he’s okay. Doctors said all his ribs are broken, and his pelvis is cracked. I think he’s impotent too. Anyway, after
lifting weights, I went to jump rope. I picked up this jump rope that was lying on the floor and this big
muscular guy snapped at me. Said it was his. I said I didn’t see his name on it. He replied, "Listen you
little pussy, I don’t give a fuck if my name’s not on it. It’s still mine." I said, "You should stop using
steroids. It’s bad for you." He replied, "Fuck you, you little girly man." I said, "I hear guys with big
muscles have small dicks. Is that true?" He replied, "What was that? I couldn’t hear you." So I repeated
it, louder, so everyone heard. The police later said five guys had beaten me up. Apparently the guys had
continued to beat me after I lost conciousness. The doctor said he extracted a 5-pound weight from my
anus. No wonder I have to shit through a tube now. Oh well, it’s been a long day. I have to go use my
tube now.
